(SCENE 11. KITCHEN. FX: A LOUD HAND BELL TOLLS. A SMALL CROWD GATHERS, CHATTING LOUDLY.)

LUDMILLA (QUEEN MOTHER):

(SHOUTING ABOVE THE DIN) Is everybody here and will somebody have that bell silenced? Is everybody here?

(FX: MASSIVE BANGING OF SAUCEPAN WITH SPOON)

CRONE:

Quiet. A bit of quiet in my kitchen.

(SILENCE)

CRONE:

I should think so.

LUDMILLA:

Thank you Crone. Vlad? Good. Otto and Sigmund. Spy? Good. Listen. We have a crisis. Listen. The king is nowhere to be found and there is a page missing.

CRONE:

Isn’t that just typical?

LUDMILLA:

What?

CRONE:

Always the same; just when it gets exciting. Just as you get to the best bit of the book. Just when you are get to know –

LUDMILLA:

(Over-riding) We are here to discover where he may have gone and what must be done; remembering of course that security is notoriously lax during the Christmas period and that Slavnik agents are known to be at hand. Speak.

(THIS SECTION SHOULD MOVE VERY FAST)

OTTO:

We saw him, Lady, up at his window.

SIGMUND:

This evening, early on.

LUDMILLA:

What were the conditions?

OTTO:

Snow lying, Lady.

SIGMUND:

Levelled and honed by the wind and the frost.

OTTO:

Terrible frost, Lady.

SIGMUND:

Cruel.

LUDMILLA:

Suspicious circumstances?

SIGMUND:

A poor man, Lady, hanging about.

OTTO:

Said he was looking for wood.

SIGMUND:

Then the King called down for young Mark. That’s his page..

CRONE:

Mark the page? Nasty habit.

LUDMILLA:

Thank you, Crone.

OTTO:

Only the boy was down with us, you see, Lady.

HARRY THE SPY:

That’s right. If you remember up he came to the room, while we were there. After we’d gone the King ordered him to the window and pointed out this so-called-though-now-infinitely- suspicious poor man..

CRONE:

Oh, no. ‘Peasant’ he said he was..

SIGMUND:

Who said who aid who was?

CRONE:

The boy said the King said the poor man was..

VLADIMIR:

Certainly, Lady Ludmilla, it was upon the basis that the poor man was a positive peasant that I calculated the relevant provisions.

HARRY:

Anyway, the King asked the boy who this poor man or peasant was and where he was from, what sort of house he had.

LUDMILLA:

But how do you know all this?

HAARY:

Listened through the key hole. That’s my job. I’m a spy.

OTTO:

The pageboy – he’d be able to give all this information because he’d heard us question the man.

SIGMUND:

Yes. Lives just over three miles away.

OTTO:

Foot of the forest.

SIGMUND:

Just follow the fence.

OTTO:

Along to St. Agnes fountain.

EVERYBODY:

Where?

LUDMILLA:

Anyway.

VLADIMIR:

Anyway – flesh, wine and logs were required: pine logs.

CRONE:

They were going to deliver it all and be back in time for dinner..

OTTO:

Wait a minute –

SIGMUND:

The walking woodpile?

OTTO:

Right.

SIGMUND:

We saw them leave the palace, Lady. Just when the blizzard was starting up..

LUDMILA:

So what we have so far is this:

(THE BREAK-NECK PACE SLOWS DOWN NOW. AS THE NARRATIVE IS TOLD IN THE PALACE, THE MUSIC OF THE CAROL SHOULD CREEP IN BEHIND THE WORDS)

LUDMILA:

Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen, when the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even. Brightly shone the moon that night – though the frost was cruel – when a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fuel.’

CRONE:

Fuel?

VLADIMIR:

Fuel.

HARRY:

‘Hither page and stand by me, if thou knowest its telling: yonder peasant who is he? Where and what his dwelling?’

OTTO:

‘Sire, he lives a good legue hence’

SIGMUND:

‘Underneath the mountain Hard against the forest fence’

OTTO:

‘By St.Agnes fountain.’

CRONE:

Where?

VLADIMIR:

‘Bring me flesh and bring me wine. Bring me pine-logs hither. Thou and I shall see him dine e’er we dine together.’

OTTO:

‘Page –

SIGMUND:

‘And Monarch –

OTTO :

Forth they went;

OTTO/SIGMUND:

‘Forth they went together

ALL:

‘Through the rude wind’s wild lament

(STOP MUSIC)

LUDMILLA:

‘And the bitter weather’. Yes I see. Guards!

OTTO/SIGMUND:

Yes, Lady?

LUDMILLA:

Spy?

HARRY:

Yes, Lady?

LUDMILLA:

After them. We shall await further reports. (PAUSE) Who was carrying this several hundred-weight of fatuous good will?

OTTO:

The boy.

LUDMILLA:

As I thought. And who was leading the way?

SIGMUND:

The King.

LUDMILLA:

Precisely. They won’t have gone far. Away this moment.

CRONE:

Does this mean you want dinner held up?

LUDMILLA:

Well since there will be nobody to eat it ..

CRONE:

Eight thirty, he said.you know what he’s like; and it’s eight fifteen now.

LUDMILLA:

Go.

CRONE:

More than my job’s worth to be late.

LUDMILLA:

For God’s sake, go!

VLADIMIR:

I obey, lady. But first a change of disguise. No more the everyday acoutrements of a palace lackey, instead –

(AMAZING SOUND EFFECTS OF WHOOSHING, WHIRLY GIGS, CREAKING AND BELLS)

VLADIMIR:

A giant Pyrenean Mountain dog. Woof! Woof!